A Discourse on the Various Species of “Mom”

A Discourse on the Various Species of “Mom”

    It’s a well-known fact that parenthood thrusts you into a whole new world rich with experiences and emotions you never thought possible. Becoming a mother changes how you see the world and most importantly who you are as an individual. No one mother is the same, and these differences are what shape us into the individuals we are. Here are some of the different types of mothers you may encounter during your adventures!

“The Organic Mom”

This mom is easy to find. She’s usually hanging out in the organic foods aisle with a distraught look on her face muttering about “high fructose corn syrup”. She’ll come to all the neighborhood functions and bring “gluten-free” “organic” home-made cake that she swears her children love, however, no one touches the whole party (despite her bribes). She typically spends her time watching what your children are eating with horrified glances at you.

“Mother of Mayhem”

Her three children seem to be the offspring of “Taz” (the Tasmanian Devil) mixed with high quantities of sugar. You can’t help but stare as they rip and tear through the grocery store, accompanied by inhuman shrieks and squeals. Despite the tornados of chaos at her side, she has a look of complete serenity and acceptance on her face. Patiently replacing each box of cereal her child knocks over, her voice never raising. You’d feel bad for her, but then you remember her telling you to “let kids be kids” once at the park when her son pushed over yours, and now you don’t feel bad at all.

“The Wino”

This mother is everyone’s favorite, and for good reason. She’s got everyone taken care of. Birthday parties? You better bet that the punch is spiked (the adult bowl, of course). PTA meetings? No worries! She’s bringing bottles of wine for the teachers. She always seems to be enjoying herself, however, you sometimes think it’s because of what’s in that water bottle she always carries around.

“The Safety Officer”

She can be found in the middle of the playground, whistle and first-aid bag in hand. Nothing escapes her gaze, especially not your four-year-old playing in the “three and under” section of the park (she’s not afraid to point it out either). Her movements mimic that of a stressed-out helicopter, constantly fluttering above her children, ready to scoop them out and evacuate at the first sign of danger. Meanwhile, they’ve made a game out of trying to escape her. The upside is, she always has band aids at the ready.

“Mrs. Popular”

Hanging out with this mom at the neighborhood park will give you flashbacks to 2004 and the movie Mean Girls. She never seems to leave the house without a full face of makeup or her favorite high heels (YES! Even at the park?!). How she does it, you’ll never know.  You have concluded that she simply must be an alien. She’s constantly posting Pinterest-worthy shots of her and her daughter in matching outfits that you just hate to love. She’s got the lowdown on all the recent happenings in the town (even yours), and she’s not afraid to spill it.


We all follow at least one of these moms. They can be found giving birth Saturday morning and then running a full-on triathlon the next day. (Okay, I’m exaggerating, but only a little). You don’t even remember the last time you ran a mile. They never fail to post the latest award or trophy they’ve won, making you feel totally inadequate. They can also be seen posting various “workout with your child” articles with the hashtag #noexcuses. It’s okay, you’re allowed to resent these moms.

“The Child Whisperer”

You swear this mom was a teacher in a past life. She somehow manages to corral up even the most rambunctious of kids, convincing them that picking up their area is really a game. We all envy this mom. Nothing is out of reach of her influence. Your newborn won’t stop wailing like a banshee? Let the child whisperer hold her. Not sure what that rash on your son’s arm is? This mom does, and she’s got the right cream for it too. Other mothers just watch her in wonder. You however, believe she must be the Greek goddess of childbirth in the flesh.

“The Snack Attack”

Oreos. Goldfish. Teddy Grahams. She’s armed, dangerous and she doesn’t care if you’re trying to get your kiddos to eat carrots instead. She’s constantly accompanied by a flock of children with outstretched hands. Her stroller is reminiscent of a convenience store. Think you’ll get your kid to eat that baggie of celery you have tied to your hip with her around? Think again momma.


While we may all laugh at the different, and sometimes seemingly crazy types of mothers we encounter on a day to day basis, it’s important to realize that no one mother knows it all. We can learn something from every parent we meet. While another parent may not know what’s best for YOUR child, it’s likely that they have a wealth of knowledge that can help you at some point in your life. Parenting has traditionally been a community job! So, let’s call a cease-fire on the mommy wars and start learning from one another.

by Hannah Clayton

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